“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. To get rid of your problems, all you can do is live in the universe all alone. But you can't do that. We are all suffering in interpersonal relationships.” - from The Courage to Be Disliked.
I bought a Christmas chocolate box recently and started wondering what would happen if I would eat my favourite chocolates and leave all the Bounty behind.
This is not a chocolate essay. Clearly. It’s an exploratory-provoking and metaphorical brain grill on… Love. Relationships. Lust. Alternative models of connecting.
I have realized that a solid half of conversations I have with friends are about relationships: who we’re dating, not dating, the ups and downs of relationships, idealizations, etc. Lately, also the theoretical approach to distinct models of relating to a loved one has. Things we don’t talk about online. Things we’re too afraid to share because that’d put us in a very vulnerable place, but that everyone goes through.
Take the pot, and mix feelings, emotions, culture, attachment styles, love languages, dating models, and communication and everything can get messy really quickly.
From my personal catholic and conservative upbringing, I shouldn’t be questioning frameworks. I should engage in a heterosexual relationship with one person, get married before I’m 30, find a place to settle (hopefully close to where my family is from), and have kids. So simple.
Modern dating is so different from traditional dating. I’ve recently read “How Not to Die Alone”, by Logan Ury. She divided the complexity of finding a partner nowadays into the following points:
1 - The Paradox of Choice. There are too many options (+ dating apps). It leads to decision fatigue, which eventually leads to burnout from having to choose a partner.
2 - Unrealistic Expectations About Relationships. Social media makes us believe we can find the perfect partner. But we are not perfect ourselves, so how do we expect to approach it?
3 - Think how someone is going to make you feel in the long term vs the short term. We are bound to look for instant gratification, the feeling of being in love. *in my opinion, that is the same as taking cocaine*. We should be looking for how this person is going to affect our lives looking forward.
4 - Lust, physical attraction, financial stability. All of that fades away with time. It’s more important to find the right mindset, trust, and loyalty.
Let’s take a detour in this fairytale.
All of this is beautiful BUT (Esther Perel, I love you) - what about Relational Intelligence related to different models of relationship-building?
We go back to the metaphor of the chocolate box. I already know I like dark chocolate. I have also tried hazelnut chocolate. I wouldn’t have it every day, but if there are no more dark pieces, I also wouldn’t mind it. I’ve tried Bounty. I can’t have it. It makes me dizzy. But in order to understand I don’t want coconut in my chocolate, I’ve had to try it.
Is it a human thing that we stick with what we are told is good? After all, our taste buds change every once in a while. In Portugal, aunties give you plain milk chocolate to show appreciation. That’s all I knew growing up, so that’s all I’ve had. One day, I heard dark chocolate is healthier. I’ve tried 80% - I loved it. I tried 90% - I don’t like it as much. I stuck with that range, and every once in a while I wouldn’t say no to a classic Milka bar. Some time ago I went to Norway and a friend introduced me to Smash (a crispy snack with chocolate) - food orgasm. I don’t live in Norway, so that’s not something I have access to every day, but now I know that there are so many different combinations of chocolate you can binge on. Or casually eat, if the conditions come together.
The takeaway is that we focus too much on finding the right chocolate and sticking with it, but “we don’t know what we want, we want what we know” - and this applies to every area of life.
We could also introduce the concept of belonging and cultural adaptation. Dah, if all my friends are eating plain milk chocolate, I have a choice. I either follow through, and belong, or I have the audacity to go to a neighbouring supermarket and risk isolation. As for isolation, I now know that’s a fantasy. As a good friend once told me: it’s better to be authentic and delay gratification and feeling of inclusion - as after that gap, you’ll eventually be more connected than ever. Take on a stoic approach, indulge in a secure attachment with acquaintances, and take an exploratory breather. Take a walk to a Swedish supermarket if you will. It’s scary, but it’s worth the risk.
What about the Bounty? I take a bite every once in a while, but with the confirmation bias that I will hate it. Then I give it to someone else that is ecstatic to receive it, and they happily accept it.
We are all different, and the concept of what is right or wrong in terms of relationships has been challenged several times now. Maybe a Gen Z thing? What is normality? I’m not even sure how you’d define a woman at this point. The more I seek, the more I understand that I don’t understand.
It’s more interesting to approach life from this naive perspective, with the humility to communicate what we are thinking and feeling. Considering interpersonal relationships and networks (especially if you live in a small-city network), it’s all about asking questions, taking one curious and cautious step at a time, and reflecting upon what it means to connect.
Fun times to be alive.
Loved every part of it, Mariana (and I’m a huge fan of Esther Perel too): the 4 points about relationships nowadays (crazy to think that some years ago the 2 first didn’t exist because there wasn’t social media 😱), the belonging and cultural adaptation, and the metaphor of course. And thanks for sharing your personal experience, I come from a very similar background.
I think our upbringing is what has the bigger effect on our Chocolate mindset, and a great way to challenge that is to seek new challenges such as living abroad, going to places where we wouldn’t usually go, or reading/listening to people with different views. Even watching TV shows has helped me to change my view on some things.
Looking forward to tour next blog, Mariana 😘